If you were born anytime after 1990 then you probably don’t remember the insanity-filled, sex-driven pop act that was Madonna. “Like a Virgin”, “Papa Don’t Preach”, “Like a Prayer” and “Vogue” are just a few of her biggest hits. The 80’s were probably the worst decade ever. Bad music, bad television (Miami Vice and Family Ties are enough proof that tv sucked in the 80’s…except 21 Jumpstreet, Johnny Depp before he was an asshole and Richard Grieco…Richard Grieco was fucking harsh son.) bad hair, bad movies (except any movie made by John Hughes…he was ahead of his time and if it wasn’t for him it would not be cool to fuck an apple pie.) bad everything! If you weren’t listening to horrible rock ballads by the likes of Poison or White Snake or watching Tawny Kitaen (highly overrated model who coincidentally now resembles a cougar…no, not a hot milf but an actual cougar) roll around on the hood of a fancy automobile then odds are you were probably listening to Devo, George Michael, NKOTB and Madonna.
Like The Beatles and Elvis before her, Madonna realized that sex sells. Crazy also sells too. Act as crazy and sexy as possible and have a decent tune every once in awhile and people will adore you. It’s a formula that has been copied and retried over and over but has a minimal success rate…it’ll grab attention for a short period, but over time will fade away with every other fad that has faded…except Iggy Pop…his sex crazed antics come from a true background of a tortured soul. If you are musically inept and don’t recognize how long this has been going on…Britney Spears falls in this category, except 2 things…#1 her music does translate over generation to generation like the aforementioned artists and #2 she has the biggest C-section scar I’ve ever seen and I’m from the hood son, I’ve seen some C-section scars. Eminem is another good example. A sex-crazed egomaniacal maniac who actually just plays crazy, but is not in-fact crazy. The man got in trouble for pointing an unloaded pistol at someone in a club. Totally premeditated as “hey, I’m gonna overreact and take this unloaded pistol, which might as well be a toy gun because it holds no value, and I’m gonna show “the streets” how hard of a rapper I am.” The man went to rehab for sleeping pills…sleeping pills? Rick James once snorted 10 ounces of Cocaine in one sitting and Eminem goes to rehab for sleeping pills. Also a premeditated act to trick the masses into thinking that this “starving artist” might have something of substance to say on his next album so you should probably go buy it and support this “recovering addict”. Sorry, I got sidetracked. Which brings me back to my point…
For the past 60 years musicians have borrowed this theory of sex and craziness and testing the waters of censorship and have used it to their benefit but no one has ever borrowed the exact act itself. Lady Gaga must be killed. She has taken the exact model that Madonna took and modeled for so many years and is driving it into the ground. You have to be a moron to be a Lady Gaga fan or born after 1990. Either way your memory does not serve you justly because this act has been done before. The crazy thing about it is that it was only 25 years ago. Listen to “La Isla Bonita”, does it not sound eerily similar to this crap that Gaga just released “Alejandro”. Yeah, Madonna already went thru that Spanish-influenced rhythm with hot Spanish men in the video phase. In an age of Youtube, watch any late 1980’s award show and you’ll see that Madonna wore imaginative ensembles that grabbed attention…last time I checked Gaga had a damn bird’s nest on her face. You’re not doing anything I haven’t seen, honey.
About 12 years ago a shipped docked on the continental U.S. full of young white teenage girls with mediocre voices and ample dance moves and they have terrorized us with the same old song and dance since then. Cristina developed mothering hips, a sure sign that giving birth will drive you into hitting the wall a lot sooner than you want to. Britney went crazy, but it was mostly because of drugs and enablers, not because of a chemical imbalance. Mandy Moore’s career got so bad she had to date an imaginary actor in a filmed television show while portraying herself in a classic case of art imitating life and vice versa. (I mean really, is there any way Mandy Moore ever gets cast in a James Cameron movie? Cameron may be an asshole but he’s not retarded.) When Gaga hopped off that ship some years ago she decided that in order to be different she would have to portray herself as crazy. She would replicate the exact science that Madonna gave birth to just 25 years ago. I am here to expose you Lady Gaga. You were raised in a middle-class family with both parents and grew up in a privileged lifestyle. You have tricked so many people into believing you are the new-age radical for all young people to follow and imitate and adore. You have failed to grasp the concept of taking the sex, drugs and craziness model that Lennon, Elvis and Madonna perfected and made their own and make it your own. You are a clone. Your fans are too young to remember. Your music sounds like something I heard in my childhood just with better sonic production. Your act smells of unimaginative imitation. And I pray that one day very soon that Mark David Chapman is paroled and approaches you for an autograph…you know what happens next…unless you’re just too young to remember.
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